Do you ever go through periods of self-loathing? I know I do….in
fact I know that I just got through one. I wonder if this is a normal
phenomenon of human life. I know that every person I’ve ever had a close
relationship with has gone through it, so I suppose there is some validity to
this hypothesis.
It’s amazing to look back on the last few months that I’ve
been silent on here, and recognize that the reason for my silence was in fact
because I didn’t much like myself. Now, trust me reader there have been several
excuses I could use with you. Some being that since this summer I moved back to
Texas, went a month searching for employment, started a new job in a totally
new profession, and moved again. But honestly, those weren’t the reasons for my
silence. I found that the reason was because I didn’t much like myself, so why
would I talk about me?
Today I stayed home from work because I woke up with a migraine
and that telling tickle in the back of my throat. I knew that if I tried to
push too hard I would end up getting seriously sick. So I stayed in bed till
noon, and lounged all day. Around 8pm I got hit with chills and Andrew was kind
enough to pack me in blankets and let me sleep on the couch because I didn't
want to move. He silently watched Youtube videos on his phone with headphones
while I slept. (I’m pretty lucky; he’s quite the keeper, huh?) Finally about 30
minutes ago my fever broke and I woke up so incredibly clear headed and hot! It’s
a sort of revelation coming out of a fever. Your life gets incredibly bad, body
aches and chills, until suddenly it’s as if you are on fire and you can take it
no more. I had forgotten what a revelation a fever breaking can be.
Ok, well I hope I haven’t lost you with my flowery language.
My degree is in literature after all. This revelation came to me after my fever
broke and I was looking at my Instagram account. I don’t know about you, but I
use my social media in different ways. I have far less followers on Instagram
than I do on Facebook, and I use it primarily for selfies and pet pictures. I
try not to annoy people of Facebook with shots of myself and several hundred of
my pets. It’s true that a picture is worth a thousand words, and on Instragram
I reveal a lot more of myself. These are the pictures that I have deemed good
enough to share of myself. Or the pictures of the pets that I love so much. And
while I was looking back through my Album I realized there have been no selfies
for months. Sure a few of me posing with my dog or cat….but not too many just
of me. And that is because I have been incredibly down on myself about my
weight, and appearance.
Wow. How hard is that to share? (It’s incredibly hard,
especially in this world where social media is only to portray how wonderful
life is. Where people “friend” people just to stalk and in some ways make fun
of you.) It sounds stupid, but I have hated my weight and my haircut for a
while now. My beautiful sister, who is far skinnier and much more beautiful
than me pointed this out to me a while ago. (See, even in my description of her
I have torn myself down. Why do we do this women?!?!) She told me that I was
beautiful, and my response was a scornful face and sarcastic comment. She got
this sad look on her face and said, “Lacey I don’t understand why you don’t
believe me. You are tearing yourself down and I wish you wouldn't do that.”
This has stuck with me for a while, and tonight I think it finally made sense.
I have been doing that.
There is an old adage that comparison is the thief of joy. I
know that to be 100% true for myself. Not a day has gone by that I don’t
compare myself with others my age and feel discouraged that I am not where they
are. I have tried to cope with this by just avoiding people, but I have found
that it doesn't really work. It may help for a while but then when I run into
someone that old monster jealousy rears it’s ugly head. And the age of social
media doesn't help. I feel as though I have spent my entire life trying to come
off nonchalant and cool. Sad, huh?
It’s not quite resolution season yet, but I think I found
what I need to work on. I need to love myself and not compare. There is a
wonderful sermon series for those of you who are Christians that has also been
working on my heart. It’s a series by Matt Chandler at the Village Church
called “A Beautiful Design.” There are three sermons on Women, and it’s one of
the most encouraging sermons I have ever heard on what God has designed us to
be. I greatly encourage you check out the sermon here.
Well on that note, I think I’ll go enjoy the rest of this
night and make the most of my revelation. Starting with a no makeup, post fever
selfie. This is me. This is who God created me to be, and if he loves me….what
have I to complain about?
Lacey
